9-5, Calandrino is in love with a certain damsel

NOVEL V. 

Calandrino is in love with a certain damsel; Bruno prepares a charm for her, by virtue of which she follows him, and they are found together by his wife. 

Neifile's short novel being concluded, without either too much talk or laughter, the queen ordered Fiammetta to follow, which she did cheerfully in this manner: - There is nothing, be it ever so often repeated, but will please always if mentioned in due time and place. When I consider, therefore, the intent of our meeting, which is only to amuse and divert ourselves whilst we are here, I judge nothing either ill-timed or ill-placed which serves that purpose. So, though we have had much about Calandrino already, yet I will venture to give you another story concerning him; in relating which, were I disposed to vary from the truth, I should carefully have disguised it under very different names; but, as romancing upon these occasions greatly lessens the pleasure of the hearer, I shall report it in its true shape, relying on the reason before assigned. 

Niccolo Cornacchini, a fellow citizen of ours, was a very rich man. Amongst his other estates he had one at Camerata, where he built a mansion, and agreed with Bruno and Buffalmacco to paint it; but there being a great deal of work, they took Nello and Calandrino to assist them. As some of the chambers were furnished, and there was an old woman to look after the house, a son of this Niccolo's named Filippo, a gay young gentleman, would frequently bring a mistress thither for a day or two, and then send her away. Amongst the rest that used to come with him, was one Niccolosa, an agreeable and facetious woman enough, who going from her chamber one morning, in a loose, white bedgown, to wash her hands and face at a fountain in the court, it happened that Calandrino was there at the same time, when he made his compliments to her, which she returned with a kind of smile at the oddity of the man. Upon this he began to look wistfully at her, and seeing she was very handsome, he found pretences for staying, yet durst not speak a word. Still her looks seemed to give him encouragement, and the poor fellow became so enamoured, that he had no power to leave the place, till Filippo chanced to call her into the house. Calandrino then returned to his friends in a most piteous taking, which Bruno perceiving, said, "What the devil is the matter with you, that you seem to be in all this trouble?" He replied, "Ah! my friend, if I had any one to assist me, I should do well enough." - "As how?" - "I will tell you," he replied. "The most beautiful woman you ever saw, exceeding even the fairy queen herself, fell in love with me just now as I went to the well." - "Wheugh!", said Bruno, "you must take care it be not Filippo's mistress." - "I believe it is the same," he replied; "for she went away the moment he called her: but why should I mind that." Was she a king's, I would lie with her, if I could" - "Well," quoth Bruno, "I will find out who she is, and if she proves the same, I can tell you in two words what you have to do; for we are well acquainted together: but how shall we manage, that Buffalmacco may know nothing of the matter Ì I can never speak to her but he will be present." - "As to Buffalmacco," said he, "I am in no fear about him; but we must take care of Nello; he is my wife's relation, and would spoil our whole scheme." 

Now Bruno knew Niccolosa, very well, and when Calandrino was gone out one day, to get a sight of her, he acquainted Buffalmacco and Nello with the affair, and they agreed together what was to be done. Upon Calandrino's return, therefore, Bruno whispered him, and said, "Have you seen her?" - "Alas! I have, and she has slain me outright." 

- "I will go and see," said Bruno, "whether she be the person I mean; if she be, you may leave the whole to me." So he went and told Filippo and Niccolosa what had passed, and laid a plot with them for making sport of the enamoured Calandrino. He then came back, and said, "It is the same, therefore we must be very cautious; for if Filippo should chance to find it out, all the water in the river would never wash off the guilt in his sight. But what shall I say to her on your part?" - "First, you must let her know," said Calandrino, "that she shall have much joy, and pleasure without end, and afterwards that I am her most obedient servant, and so forth. Do you understand?" - "Yes," quoth Bruno, "I do, and you may now trust me to manage for you." 

When supper-time arrived, they left their work, and went down into the court, where they found Filippo and his mistress waiting to make themselves merry with the poor man. Calandrino began at once to ogle her in such a manner that a blind man almost must have perceived it; and she encouraged him with all her heart, thinking it capital fun, whilst Filippo pretended to be talking to Buffalmacco and the others, as if he saw nothing of the matter. After some time the painters left the place, to Calandrino's great vexation, and as they were returning to Florence, said Bruno to Calandrino, "I tell you now, that you have made her melt like ice before the sun; do but bring your guitar, and play her a tune, and she will throw herself out of the window to you." - "Do you think so?" - "Most certainly," replied the other. - "Well," quoth Calandrino, "who but myself could have made such a conquest in so short a time? I am not like your young fellows that whine for years together to no manner of purpose. Oh! you would be vastly pleased to hear me play and sing: besides, I am not old, as you suppose. She saw this at once; but I will convince her still better of it if once I get her unto my clutches. 

By the Lord I'll please her so that she will run after me as a mother does after her child." - "Oh, you'll touzle her no doubt," said Bruno; "I fancy I see you with those teeth of yours like lutepegs, biting her little vermilion lips, and her cheeks that looks like two roses, and then munching her all over." Calandrino taking all this in earnest, fancied himself at the sport already, and began to sing and dance about as if he would jump out of his skin. The next morning he carried his instrument with him, and diverted them all very much with his minstrelsy; and not a bit could he work, for he was every moment running to the window, and to the door, in hopes to see his charmer. Bruno carried all his messages, and answered them too as from her; and when she was not there, he would bring letters, purposing to give her admirer hopes that she would soon gratify his desires, but that then she was with her relations, and could not see him. 

Thus Bruno and Buffalmacco diverted themselves at Calandrino's expense for some time, often getting from him presents to give the lady, such as a comb, a purse, a knife, or such nicknacks, for which Bruno brought him in return counterfeit rings of no value, with which he was vastly delighted. Besides all these things they got many a good treat and presents out of him, that they might be sedulous in attending to his business. The affair had gone on in this manner for two months, when seeing that the work was nearly finished, and imagining that unless he brought his love to a conclusion before that time, he should làave no opportunity of doing it afterwards, he began to be very urgent with Bruno about it. When Niccolosa next came there, Bruno had a talk with her and Filippo. Then he went to Calandrino, and said to him, "Look you, comrade, this lady has made us a thousand promises to no purpose, so that it appears to me as if she only did it to lead us by the nose: my advice, therefore, is, that we make her comply, whether she will or not." - "Odds life! let us do it out of hand," cried Calandrino. - "But," says Bruno, "will your heart serve you to touch her with a certain charm that I shall give you?" - "You need not doubt that." "Then, you must procure me a little virgin-parchment, a living bat, three grains of incense, and a consecrated candle." All that night was Calandrino employed in catching a bat, which at length he brought with the other things to Bruno, who went into a room by himself, scribbled some odd characters upon the parchment, and gave it him, saying, "All you have to do is to touch her with this, and she will do that moment what you would have her. Therefore, if Filippo should go from home, take an opportunity to steal up to her, and having touched her, then go into the barn, which is a most convenient place for your purpose, whither she will follow you, and then you know that you have to do." Calandrino received the charm with great joy, saying, "Let me alone for that." Meanwhile Nello, whom he was most afraid of, and who was as deep as any in the plot, went, by Bruno's direction, to Calandrino's wife, at Florence, and said to her, "Cousin, you have now a fair opportunity to be revenged on your husband, for his beating you the other day without cause: if you let it slip, I will never look upon you more, either as a relation or a friend. He has a mistress, whom he is frequently with, and at this very time they have made an appointment to meet; then pray be a witness to it, and correct him as he deserves." This seemed to her beyond a jest. "Oh, the villain! " She said. "But I will pay him off all old scores." Accordingly, taking her hood, and a woman to bear her company, she went along with him; and when Bruno saw them at a distance, he said to Filippo, 'see, our friends are coming; you know what you have to do." On this, Filippo went where Calandrino and the people were at work, and said, 

"Masters, I must go to Florence; you will take care not to be idle when I am away." He then went and hid himself in a place where he might see what passed. As soon as Calandrino thought he was far enough off, he went into the court, where he found the lady all alone. She, well knowing what he meant to do, approached him, looking more than usually gracious. Calandrino touched her with the writing, and immediately moved off, without saying a word, towards the barn, Niccolosa followed him in, and shut the door; then flinging her arms round him, she threw him flat on the straw, fell over him with her hands upon his shoulders, holding him down so fast that he could not kiss her, whilst she made believe to be feasting her eyes with the sight of him. At length she cried out, "O my dear Calandrino! my life! my soul! my only comfort! how long have I desired to have thee in this manner?" He, unable to move, said, "My dearest joy! do let me have one kiss." - "My jewel," replied she, "thou art in too much haste; let me satisfy myself first with gazing upon thee." Bruno, Buffalmacco, and Filippo, heard and saw all this; and just as he was striving to get a kiss from her, up comes Nello along with the wife, and cries, "I vow to God they are together." Monna Tessa, in her rage, burst open the door, and beheld Niccolosa astride of Calandrino, until on the entrance of intruders she left her spark, and went to Filippo; whilst the wife ran and scratched Calandrino's face all over, and tore out his hair, screaming at him, "You poor pitiful rascal, to dare to serve me in this manner! You old villain! What! have you not enough to do at home? A fine fellow, truly, to pretend to a mistress, with this old worn-out carcase! and she as fine a lady, to take up with such a precious thing as you are!" Calandrino was confounded to that degree, that he made no defence; so she beat him as she pleased, till at length he humbly begged her not to make that clamour, unless she had a mind to have him murdered, for that the lady was no less a person than the wife of the master of the house. 

"A plague confound her," she said, "be she who she will." Bruno and Buffalmacco, who, with Filippo and Niccolosa, had been laughing heartily at what passed, came in upon them now, as though they had been drawn thither by the noise. When, with much ado, they had pacified Monna Tessa, they persuaded Calandrino to go home, and come back no more, for fear Filippo should do him a mischief. So he went to Florence, miserably scratched and beaten, without having the heart ever to return; but plagued with the perpetual reproaches of his wife, he let his hot love grow cold, after having afforded great matter for diversion to his friends, to Niccolosa, and to Filippo.

8-6, Bruno, Buffalmacco, Calandrino, pig

NOVEL VI. 

Bruno and Buffalmacco steal a pig from Calandrino, and make a charm to find out the thief, with pills made of ginger and some sack; giving him, at the same time, pills made of aloes: thereby they make it appear that he had furtively sold the pig, and they make him pay handsomely, for fear they should tell his wife. 

After Filostrato's novel, which had made them all very merry, the queen turned to Filomena, who began thus: - As Filostrato was led to the last story by the mention of the name of Maso, in like manner has the novel concerning Calandrino and his two. companions brought to my mind another relating to the same two persons, which will, I think, afford you pleasure. Who these people were, it would be needless to say, because you had enough of that before. Therefore I shall begin by telling you that Calandrino had a little farm not far from Florence, which came to him by right of his wife; and amongst his other goods there, he used to have a pig fatted every year, and some time about December he and his wife went always to kill and salt it for the use of the family. Now it happened once, she being unwell at the time, that he went thither by himself to kill this pig; which Bruno and Buffalmacco hearing, and, knowing she was not to be there, they went to spend a few days with a great friend of theirs, a priest in Calandrino's neighbourhood. Now the pig had been killed the very day they came thither, and Calandrino seeing them along with the priest, called to them, and said, "Welcome, kindly; I would gladly have you see what a good manager I am." Then, taking them into the house, he showed them this pig. They saw that it was fat, and were told by him that it was to be salted for his family. “Salted, booby! “said Bruno. “sell it, let us make merry with the money, and tell your wife that it was stolen." - 

"No," said Calandrino, " She will never believe it; and besides, she would go near to turn me out of doors. Trouble me then no further about any such thing, for I will never do it." They said a great deal more to him, but all to no purpose; at length he invited them to supper, but did it in such a manner that they refused. After they had come away from him, said Bruno to Buffalmacco, 'suppose we steal this pig from him to-night." - "How is it possible?" - "O, I know well enough how to do it, if he does not remove it in the meantime from the place where we just now saw it." - "Then let us do it, and afterwards we and the parson will make merry over it." The priest assured them that he should like it of all things. "We must use a little art," quoth Bruno: "you know how covetous he is, and how freely he drinks always when it is at another's cost. Let us get him then to the tavern, where the parson shall make a pretence of treating us all, out of compliment to him; he will soon get drunk, and then the thing will be easy enough, as there is nobody in the house but himself." This was done, and Calandrino, finding that the parson was to pay, took his glasses off pretty freely, and getting his dose, walked home betimes, left the door open, thinking that it was shut, and so went to bed. Buffalmacco and Bruno went from the tavern to sup with the priest, and as soon as supper was over, they took proper materials with them to get into the house; but finding the door open, they carried off the pig to the priest's, and went to bed likewise. In the morning, as soon as Calandrino had slept off his wine, he rose, came down stairs, and finding the door open, and his pig gone, began to inquire of everybody if they knew anything of the matter, and receiving no tidings of it, he made a terrible outer)", saying, "What shall I do now? somebody has stolen my pig." Bruno and Buffalmacco were no sooner out of bed, than they went to his house to hear what he would say; and the moment he saw them, he roared out, "O, my friends, my pig is stolen! "Upon this Bruno whispered him, and said, "Well, I am glad to see you wise for once in your life." - "Alas! "quoth he, "it is too true." - "Keep still in the same story," said Bruno, "and make noise enough for every one to believe you." Calandrino now began to bawl louder, "Indeed! I vow and swear to you that it is stolen." - "That's right; be sure you let everybody hear you, that it may appear so." - "Do you think that I would forswear myself about it? May I be hanged this moment if it is not so! "- "How is it possible?" quoth Bruno; "I saw it but last night; never imagine that I can believe it." - "It is so, however," answered he, "and I am undone: I know not how to go home again, for my wife will never believe me, and I shall have no peace this twelvemonth." - "It is a most unhappy thing," said Bruno, "if it be true; but you know I put it into your head to say so last night, and you should not make sport both with your wife and us at the same time." At this he began to roar out afresh, saying "Good God! you make me mad to hear you talk; I tell you once for all that it was stolen this very night." - "Nay, if it be so," quoth Buffalmacco, "we must think of some way to get it back again." - " And what way must we take," said he, "to find it?" - "Depend upon it," replied the other, "that nobody came from the Indies to steal it; it must be somewhere in your neighbourhood, and if you could get the people together, I could make a charm with some bread and cheese, that would soon discover the thief." - "True," said Bruno, "but they would know in that case what you were about: and the person that has it would never come near you." - "How must we manage then?'said Buffalmacco. "Oh! "replied Bruno, "you shall see me do it with some pills of ginger, and a little wine, which I will ask them to come and drink. They will have no suspicion what our design is, and we can make a charm of these, as well as of the bread and cheese." - "Very right," quoth the other. "Well, what do you say, Calandrino? Have you a mind we should try it?" - "For Heaven's sake do," he said, "were I only to know who the thief is, I should be half comforted." -"Well, then," quoth Bruno, "I am ready to go to Florence for the things, if you will only give me some money." He happened to have a few shillings in his pocket, which he gave him, and off went Bruno. 

When he got to Florence, Bruno went to a friend's house, and bought a pound of ginger made into pills. He also got two pills made of aloes, which had a private mark that he should not mistake them, being candied over with sugar like the rest. Then having bought a jar of good wine, he returned to Calandrino, and said, "tomorrow you must take care to invite every one that you have the least suspicion of; it is a holiday, and they will be glad to come. We will complete the charm to-night, and bring the things to your house in the morning, and then I will take care to do and say on your behalf what is necessary upon such an occasion." Calandrino did as he was told, and in the morning he had nearly all the people in the parish assembled under an elmtree in the churchyard. His two friends produced the pills and wine, and making the people stand round in a circle, Bruno said to them, "Gentlemen, it is fit that I should tell you the reason of your being summoned here in this manner, to the end, if anything should happen which you do not like, that I be not blamed for it. You must know, then, that Calandrino had a pig stolen last night, and, as some of the company here must have taken it, he, that he may find out the thief, would have every man take and eat one of these pills, and drink a glass of wine after it; and whoever the guilty person is, you will find he will not be able to get a bit of it down, but it will taste so bitter that he will be forced to spit it out: so that, to prevent such open shame, he had better, whoever he is, make a secret confession to the priest, and I will proceed no farther." 

All present declared their readiness to eat, so placing them all in order, he gave every man his pill, and coming to Calandrino, he gave one of the aloe pills to him, which he straightway put into his mouth, and no sooner did he begin to chew it, than he was forced to spit it out. Every one was now attentive to see who spit his pill out, and whilst Bruno kept going round, apparently taking no notice of Calandrino, he heard somebody say behind him, "Hey-day! what is the meaning of its disagreeing so with Calandrino?" Bruno now turned suddenly about, and seeing that Calandrino had spit out his pill, he said, 'stay a little, honest friends, and be not too hasty in judging; it may be something else that has made him spit, and therefore he shall try another. “So he gave him the other aloe pill, and then went on to the rest that were unserved. But if the first was bitter to him, this he thought much more so: however, he endeavoured to get it down as well as he could, but it was impossible; it made the tears run down his cheeks, and he was forced to spit it out at last, as he had done the other. In the meantime Buffalmacco was going about with the wine; but when he and all of them saw what Calandrino had done, they began to bawl out that he had robbed himself; and some of them abused him roundly. 

After they were all gone, Buffalmacco said, "I always thought that you yourself were the thief, and that you were willing to make us believe the pig was stolen, in order to keep your money in your pocket, lest we should expect a treat upon the occasion." Calandrino, who had still the taste of the aloes in his mouth, fell a swearing that he knew nothing of the matter. "Honour bright, now, comrade," said Buffalmacco, "what did you get for it?" This made him quite desperate. Then Bruno struck in: "I was just now told," said he, "by one of the company, that you have a mistress in this neighbourhood to whom you are very kind, and that he is confident you have given it to her. You know you once took us to the plains of Mugnone, to look for some black stones, when you left us in the lurch, and pretended you had found them; and now you think to swear, and make us believe, that your pig is stolen, when .you have either given it away or sold it. You have put so many tricks upon us, that we intend to be fooled no more by you. Therefore, as we have had a deal of trouble in the affair, you shall make us amends, by giving us two couple of fowls, unless you mean that we should tell your wife." Calandrino now perceiving that he was not to be believed, and being unwilling to have them add to his troubles, by bringing his wife upon his back, was forced to give them the fowls, which they took to Florence along with the pork, leaving him there to brood over his losses and his ignominious discomfiture. 

7-3, Friar Rinaldo, affair

NOVEL III. 

Friar Rinaldo has an affair with a lady in the neighbourhood, and he makes the husband believe that he is busy about a charm to cure their child of the worms. 

Filostrato having ended, Eliza was now ordered to speak, which she did as follows: - Emilia's conjuring down the spirit now brings to my mind another conjuring story, which, though it may not be equal to hers, yet, as I can think of no other, I shall relate it. 

There lived at Siena a very agreeable young man, of a good family, called Rinaldo, who had long been in love with a beautiful lady, the wife of a wealthy neighbour. He was of opinion, that if he could contrive to speak with the lady without exciting suspicion, he should obtain what he desired. Finding no other opportunity, and the lady being big with child, he resolved to stand godfather. Accordingly, he ingratiated himself with the husband, made the proposal in the handsomest terms he could devise, and was accepted. Rinaldo, having thus become Madonna Agnesa's gossip, had the desired opportunity to declare to her in words the passion she had long before read in his eyes; but his soft speeches availed him little, though the lady did not appear displeased at hearing them. Some time after, whatever was the reason, Rinaldo turned friar, and, whether that kind of life was to his liking or not, he persevered in it. For a while he seemed to have laid aside his love for the lady, and other little vanities, yet ere long he was the same person again, affecting an extraordinary elegance in his dress, making ballads and love-songs, and indulging in all sorts of mundane diversions. 

But why am I so particular about this friar? Are they not all of the same stamp? Alas! to the scandal of a dissolute world, they are not ashamed to appear plump and ruddy, with their garments fine and delicate, whilst they walk along the streets, not like dov^s, so much as high-crested cocks: and what is worse (not to mention their chambers being filled with pots of rich conserves, perfumes, and other costly compositions, with bottles of fine distilled waters and oils, with vessels also of malmsey, and the best Greek wines, so that you would take them for a perfumer's or a druggist's shop), they are not ashamed, I say, to have it known they are gouty; supposing us to be so ignorant, as to imagine that abstinence and a coarse diet do not make people less corpulent and more healthful; or that constant fasting and prayer should not cause them to be pale and out of order: and as if we had never heard that St. Dominic and St. Francis thought themselves well clothed when they had one suit of coarse russet cloth to keep out the cold, without ever thinking of so many changes of fine apparel for mere show only, and which the simple credulous multitude is obliged to pay for. 

Our friar then, falling into his former way of living, began to renew his suit more briskly than ever to this lady, who, thinking him perhaps more agreeable than before, did not much withstand it. One day, when he was very pressing, she answered him as those do who are not very loath to comply. "What! " She said, "do friars give their minds to such things?" - "Madam," he replied, "take but my habit off, and you will find I am like other men." The lady, laughing on one side of her mouth, and looking demure on the other, said, "I low can I do such a thing? You know you stood godfather to my son, and therefore it would be a terrible sin, otherwise I am sure I should be willing to oblige you." - "My dear gossip, don't be a goose," said the friar. I do not deny that it is a sort of a sin, but God pardons greater ones on repentance. Tell me pray, which of the two is more nearly related to your son, I who held him at the font, or your husband who begot him?" - "My husband, of course." - "Very well," says the friar, " and does not your husband lie with you? Then by consequence you may lie with me who am not so nearly related to your son as he." The lady, who was no great logician, was satisfied with this argument, or appeared to be so. "Who could withstand such convincing words as yours?" She said, and without making any more pother about their spiritual relationship, she let him do as he had a mind. Nor was this the only time, for the title of godfather gave them many opportunities of being together. 

One day among the rest, Rinaldo went to visit her, and finding nobody with her besides a servant maid, he sent his companion with the girl into a pigeon-loft to teach her some prayers, whilst he and the lady, with a little infant of her's, went into the chamber, and locked themselves in. They had not been there a very long time before the husband came home unexpectedly, and was knocking at the chamber door, and calling to her to open it, before they were aware of his return. Madonna Agnesa was frightened to death, and said, "What shall I do? my husband is here, and will now find out the cause of our acquaintance." The friar having his cloak and hood off, replied, "Had I but my clothes on, we could find an excuse; but if you open the door, and he finds me in this manner, we shall both be ruined." - "Then," said she, "put on your clothes instantly, and when you have done so, take our child in your arms, attend to what I shall say, to make our words agree with mine, and leave the rest to me." Now calling to her husband, who continued knocking at the door, she said, "I am coming." Accordingly she went to let him in, and putting on a cheerful countenance, she said, "Husband, it was the greatest blessing in the world that Friar Rinaldo happened to be here today, for otherwise we had certainly lost our child. "The husband was ready to faint away, and inquired how it happened? "The boy," quoth she, "had a fit, and I knew not what to do, when the friar luckily came in, and taking the child in his arms, he said, "Madam, it is owing to worms which lie at his heart, and would soon kill him; but, be not afraid, I will charm and destroy them all, so that before I leave kim he shall be as well as ever." Now as we wanted you to say some prayers, and the maid did not know where to find you, he sent his friend to the top of the house to say them in your stead; whilst we shut ourselves up in this chamber, as nobody could be present at such a mystery besides the mother. He has the child now in his arms, and only waits till his friend has made an end to conclude the whole process, for the child has come to himself already." The honest man, who, out of his great love for his child, was far from suspecting such a trick, fetched a deep sigh, and said, "I will go and see him." - "By no means," she replied, "for that will spoil the whole thing; but stay, I will see first if you may be admitted, and then call you." The friar, who heard the contrivance, was now dressed, and, having the child in his arms, and everything in readiness, he called out, "Madam, is not that your husband?" - "Yes," answered he, " I am here." - "Then come hither," quoth he, "and behold your son, whom I thought you would never more have seen alive. Take him, and in return make a statue of wax of the same bigness to the honour of St. Ambrose, through whose merits you have received this extraordinary favour." 

The child, seeing his father, showed several little signs of fondness, whilst he received him with as much joy and wonder as if he had been raised from the dead, returning great thanks to the friar for what he had done. The companion, also, hearing all that had passed, came down into the chamber, and said, "I have gone through all the prayers you ordered me to repeat." Friar Rinaldo replied, "Brother, you have done well, and you see by our joint endeavours the child is recovered." The honest man on this treated them both with wine and sweetmeats, and they took their leave with great respect. And immediately he set about making the waxen image, and sent it to be set up with several others before the image of St. Ambrose; but not St. Ambrose of Milan.