9-3, Master Simon, Bruno, Buffalmacco, Nello, Calandrino, pregnant

NOVEL III. 

Master Simon, the doctor, with Bruno, and the rest, make Calandrino believe that he is with child. The patient gives them fowls and money, to compound a medicine for him, and he recovers without being delivered. 

After Eliza had concluded her novel, and the company had all expressed their joy for the lady's happy escape from the invidious censures of her sister-nuns, the queen ordered Filostrato to proceed, which he immediately did in this manner: - The odd figure of a judge, that was spoken of yesterday, prevented my giving you a story of Calandrino, which I had ready to tell you. Therefore, as whatever is related of him must be entertaining, though we have had a great deal already about him and his companions, I shall now say what I had then in my mind. 

You have heard who Calandrino was, as well as the rest of the people concerned in this novel; so I shall tell you, without farther preface, that he had an aunt who died and left him about twenty pounds, on which he began to talk of purchasing an estate, and was running to treat with every broker in Florence, as if he had been worth the Indies; but the negotiation always broke down when they come to talk of a price. Now Bruno and Buffalmacco, who knew all this, had often told him that he had better spend the money with them, than lay it out on a little paltry land; but in vain; he would never part with a farthing. One day, the two wags being in company with another painter, whose name was Nello, they all agreed to feast themselves well at Calandrino's expense, and settled how it was to be done. The next morning, as Calandrino was going out of his house, Nello met, and said, "Good morning to you, friend." - "The same to you," Calandrino replied, "and a good year also." Nello now stopped, and began to look wistfully in his face. "What are you looking at?'said Calandrino. "Has anything been the matter with you in the night?" quoth Nello. "You are quite a different person." Calandrino grew very thoughtful at this, and said, "Oh, dear me! do you think I am ill?" - "Oh! I do not say that," replied Nello, "though I never saw a man so altered, but it may be something else;"and away he went. Calandrino went on, a little diffident, though feeling nothing all the time, when Buffalmacco came up to him, seeing him part from Nello, and asked him whether he was well. Calandrino replied, "Indeed I do not know; is it possible to be otherwise, and I not perceive it?" - "It may be so, or it may not," said Buffalmacco, "but I assure you, you look as though you were half dead." He now thought himself in a high fever, when Bruno came up, and the first word he said was, "Why, Calandrino, how you look! you are like a ghost. What is the matter with you?" He now concluded it was really so, and asked, in a great fright, what he had best do. "I advise," quoth Bruno, "that you go home and get to bed, cover yourself up close, and send your water to Master Simon, the doctor: he is our friend, you know, and will tell you at once what to do; in the meantime we will go with you, and do what we can for you." So they took him to his own house, and he went up stairs ready to die away every moment, saying to his wife, "Come and cover me up well in bed, for I find myself extremely ill." Having laid down, he sent his water by a little girl to the doctor, whose shop was then in the old market, at the sign of the Melon. Bruno now said to his friends, "Do you stay here, and I will go and hear what the doctor says, and bring him with me if there be occasion." "Pray do, my good friend," said Calandrino, "and let me know how it stands with me, for I feel very strangely in my inside." 

Bruno getting to the doctor's before the girl, let him into the secret. When she came there, and he had examined the water, he said to her, "Go, and bid him keep warm, and I will come instantly, and give directions what to do." She returned, and told Calandrino, and in a little time the doctor and Bruno came together, when the doctor sat down by him, and began to feel his pulse: at last he said, the wife being present, "I must tell you, as a friend, that your illness is nothing else but your being with child." As soon as Calandrino heard this, he began to roar out and say to his wife, "O, Tessa, this is all your doing, che non vuogali altro che di sopra (EN: that you don't want anything but to ride me; sopra: super: over). I told you how it would be." Poor Tessa, who was a very modest woman, was so overcome with shame at hearing her husband talk thus, that she left the room, without saying a word. Calandrino continued his lamentations, crying, O Lord! what shall I do? How shall I be delivered? Which way is the child to come into the world? It's a clear case, I am a dead man, for which I may thank my wife curse her! O that I were well! I would not leave a whole bone in her skin. If I have only the luck to get over it this time, I'll take care she does not get the upperhand of me again, let her beg as hard as she will." His companions had much ado to keep from laughing, seeing him in all this fright; and as for the doctor, he shewed all his teeth in such a manner, that you might have drawn every one of them. At length. Calandrino beseeching the physician's best advice and assistance, doctor Simon replied, "Calandrino, I would not have you make yourself too uneasy; for since I know your ailment, I doubt not but I shall soon give you relief, and with a very little trouble; but it will be with some expense." - "O doctor," quoth the patient, "I have twenty pounds, which should have bought me an estate: take it all, rather than let it come to a labour; for I hear the women make such a noise at those times, though they have so much room, that I shall never get through it alive." - " Never fear," said the doctor, "I shall prepare you a distilled liquor, very pleasant to the taste, which will dissolve and bring it away in three days, and leave you as sound as a trout. Now I must have six fat fowls, and for the other things, which will cost about ten shillings, you must give one of your friends here the money to buy, and bring them to my shop; and tomorrow morning I will send you the distilled water, which you must drink by a large glassful at a time." He replied, "Doctor, I rely upon you. So he gave Bruno ten shillings, and money also for the fowls, and desired he would take that trouble upon him. 

The doctor made a little hippocrass, and sent it to him; whilst Bruno, with his companions and the doctor, were very merry over the fowls, and other good cheer purchased with the rest of the money. After Calandrino had drunk the hippocrass for the three mornings, the doctor came with his companions to see him, and said, after feeling his pulse, "You are now quite well, and need confine yourself within doors no longer." He was overjoyed at this, and gave the doctor great thanks, telling everybody he met what a cure Doctor Simon had wrought on him in three days' time, and without the least pain. Nor were his friends less pleased in overreaching his extreme avarice; but as to his wife, she saw into the tpck, and made a great clamour about it. 

9-2, abbess, haste, dark, nun, veil, priest, breeches

NOVEL II. 

An abbess going in haste, and in the dark, to surprise one of her nuns, instead of her veil puts on the priest's breeches. The lady accused makes a just remark upon this, and so escapes. 

Filomena was now silent, and the lady's contrivance to free herself from two such troublesome people, whom she could not love, was generally approved; their daring presumption being judged the effect not of love, but of folly. The queen called on Eliza to follow; and she immediately began: - The lady you have just mentioned saved herself very dexterously from trouble; but a certain nun escaped the most imminent danger, by a word or two aptly spoken, with good luck to aid. There are many foolish people, who take upon them to be rigid censors and correctors of others, and whom fortune takes occasion sometimes very justly to expose and humble, as was the case of the abbess, under whose government the nun was, of whom I am going to speak. 

In Lombardy was a convent, famous for its sanctity, and amongst the other nuns belonging to it, was a lady named Isabella, of exquisite beauty, as well as of noble family, who had fallen in love with a young gentleman, that came with a relation of hers to see her at the grate. He also had conceived the same affection for her, and this love continued some time without effect, to the great concern of both. At last he thought of a way to get to her, and continued visiting her in that manner, till he was discovered by one of the ladies. She communicated the affair to some others; and first they were resolved to accuse her to the abbess, a worthy good lady, in the opinion of the nuns and other people that knew her; but afterwards, for fear Isabella should deny it, it was agreed that the abbess should surprise them together; and so they kept watch by turns, in order to find them out. One night, therefore, Isabella having her lover in her chamber, without the least suspicion of their designs, the scouts immediately perceived it, and dividing themselves into parties, one guarded the entrance into her room, whilst the others ran to the lady abbess's chamber, where, knocking at the door, they cried, "Pray, madam, get up as quick as you can, for our sister Isabella has a man in her cell." 

Now that night it happened, that the abbess had a priest with her, who had been frequently brought to her in a chest; and fearing lest, out of their great hurry and eagerness, they might force open the door, she immediately rose, and dressed herself as well as she could in the dark; and thinking that she had taken a certain plaited veil, which she usually wore, she chanced to lay hold of the priest's breeches, and threw them over her head in its stead. She now went forth, and locking the door after her, said, "Where is this wicked woman?"

Away then she posted along with the nuns, who were so zealous and intent upon finding out poor Isabella, that they never took notice of what she had upon her head: and coming to her chamber, they found her and her lover together, who were so confounded that they could not speak a word. Isabella was forthwith seized, and carried to the chapter-house, the young gentleman being left in the cell, waiting to see what the end would be, and resolving to have revenge, if any harm was offered to his mistress, and afterwards to take her away. The abbess having taken her place in the chapter, with her nuns about her, who had all their eyes only on the culprit, she began to give her a most severe reprimand, for having defiled, as she told her, by her most disorderly and very wicked actions, the sanctity, honesty, and good name of the convent, adding thereto many most bitter threats. The lady, quite confounded between fear and shame, was unable to make any defence, but her very silence moved many of the sisterhood to compassion. The abbess still continuing her invectives, the poor nun happened to raise up her head, when she saw the breeches hanging on each side of the abbesses neck, and being a little comforted with that, as she conjectured the fact, she said, "Please, madam, to button your coif, and then tell me what you would have." - "My coif?" cried the abbess, "you wicked woman! Have you the assurance to laugh at me? Do you think what you have done is any laughing matter?" The lady said once more, "I beg, madam, that you will first button your coif, and then speak." The nuns now looked at their abbess, the abbess put her hands up to her head, and all of them perceived Isabella's meaning. The abbess, finding that she was clearly detected in the very same crime, soon changed her note, and began to excuse and palliate the matter. So she returned to her priest, and Isabella to her lover. And they continued their interviews together, in spite of all such as envied their happiness; whilst the rest procured themselves lovers as soon as they could. 

[This is the "Pseautier" of La Fontaine.] 

THE NINTH DAY. NOVEL I. Madam Francesca, two lovers

THE NINTH DAY. 

Aurora had now changed the heavens from blue to purple, and the flowers along the meadows began to open to the rising sun, when the queen arose with all her company; and they took a walk together to the grove, not far from the palace, where they saw a variety of creatures, such as deer, goats, etc., so secure from the hunter, by reason of the then raging pestilence, that they stood gazing upon them as if they had been tame. Upon a nearer approach, first to one, and then to another, as if they meant to play with them, they were greatly delighted to see them run and skip about them. 

But the sun being now risen a good height it was thought convenient to return. They had all oak garlands on, with their hands full of flowers, or sweet-smelling herbs; so that whoever had seen them must needs have concluded, either that death would not be able to vanquish them, or at least that he would find them no otherwise than merry. In this manner they came, step by step, to the palace, laughing, joking, and singing, all the way, where they found everything in order; and after reposing themselves awhile, they sang half a dozen songs before they would sit down to table. They then washed their hands, and dinner was served up, when being sufficiently regaled, and after indulging in a dance or two, the queen gave leave for such as were disposed to go to rest. At the usual hour they met at the usual place, when the queen, looking to Filomena, desired her to begin for that day; which she did in this manner: 

NOVEL I. 

Madam Francesca having two lovers, and liking neither of them, rids herself of both, by making one go and lie down in a person's grave, and sending the other to fetch him out. 

I am well pleased, madam, as it is your will, to run the first ring, in this free and open field of story telling, in which your courtesy has placed us; not doubting, if I perform well, but that they who come after will do as well or better. It has often been made appear in our discourses, how great the force of love is; nor do I think the subject would be exhausted, were we to talk of nothing else from year's end to year's end: and because it has led its votaries not only into various dangers of death, but even into the very mansions of the dead, I propose to add a story to what has been already given, wherein, besides the power of love, will be shown the contrivance of a certain lady to rid herself of two lovers, who were neither of them to her liking. 

In the city of Pistoia, there was a handsome widow lady, whom two of our townsmen, who were banished thither, were desperately in love with, and used their utmost endeavours to gain her affection. The one was named Rinuccio Palermino, and the other Alessandro Chiarmontesi, and neither was aware of the other's attachment to the widow. Now this lady, who was called Francesca de' Lazari, having been often solicited by them, had listened too inconsiderately to their importunities; and being afterwards desirous to get rid of them both, without being able to do it, it came into her head at last to ask a piece of service of them, which, though possible to be done, she supposed neither would undertake, and that, from their not complying, she might have a just pretence for turning them adrift. The thing was this: the very day that she first thought of it, a man was buried at Pistoia, who, though of a good family, was reputed to have been one of the vilest wretches that ever was born; moreover, he was so deformed, that they who did not know him, would have been frightened at the first sight of him. This circumstance, she thought, fell in very aptly with her design; and therefore she said to her maid: "Thou knowest what plague and trouble I have had with these two Florentines: now I have no mind to have either the one or the other. In order, then, to shake them off, I intend to make a trial of them in a certain affair which I am confident they will refuse to do, and thou shalt hear what it is. Last night, thou knowest, was interred in the churchyard belonging to the lesser friars, Scannadio (for so was the man called whom we have been speaking of), who, even when alive, was frightful to most people. Go then privately to Alessandro, and say that thy mistress orders thee to acquaint him, that the time is now come when he may be secure of her love in the following manner: - One of her relations, for a reason which he will know hereafter, is to bring that man's corpse to her house, which she is much averse to; therefore she begs it as a favour of him, that he would go about the beginning of the night into the grave, and put the man's shroud on, waiting there till the person comes to take him away, which he is to suffer him to do without speaking a word, and let him carry him to her house, where she will be ready to receive him, and the rest he may leave to her. If he agrees to it, it is well; but if he refuses, charge him at his peril not to come any more in her sight, or trouble her with his messages. After this, thou must go to Rinuccio, and tell him, that thy mistress is ready to gratify him, upon condition that he will do her one piece of service, which is to fetch Scannadio out of his grave about midnight, and bring him to her house, the meaning of which he will see at that time; and if he should refuse, that he offer to come no more near her." The maid obeyed, and going to both, delivered her messages. They replied, that they would not only get into a grave, but even into hell, if it was her desire. She accordingly reported their answers to the lady, who was waiting to see if they would be such fools as to comply. 

At night, therefore, Alessandro stripped to his waistcoat and went to supply Scannadio's place in the vault, when he was seized with a sudden terror by the way, and began to say to himself, "What a fool am I! Whither am I going? How do I know but this is a trap laid by some of her relations, who have made a discovery of my love, to murder me in the vault? The deed may be effected, and nobody know anything of the matter. Or how can I be assured but it is a stratagem of some rival whom she may love better than me? 

But suppose again, on the other hand, that none of these things are intended, and that her relations carry me to her house, I must conclude that they cannot want Scannadio's body either to keep themselves, or to present to her, but rather that they mean to mangle it, he having deserved such treatment from them. She also enjoins me not to speak a word, whatever shall be done to me. But suppose they pluck out my eyes, or lop off my hands, how can I bear that? And should I cry out, and they know me, they might then use me ill; or, otherwise, they may not leave me with the lady, and so she may pretend that I have disobeyed her orders, and my labour will be all lost." Full of these reflections he was on the point of returning home, till his love spurred him on with more prevailing arguments to the contrary, and hurried him along to the vault, which he opened; and having entered, he stripped the dead body, and put on the shroud. Then, having closed the grave again, he laid himself down in Scannadio's place, when calling to mind the roan's character, and the reports which he had heard of his ransacking people's graves, and committing all kinds of villany, he was so terrified that his hair stood on end, and he was expecting every moment that the man should rise up, and strangle him there. Yet still his love got the better of his fear, and he lay as if he was dead, waiting for the event. 

As soon as it was midnight, Rinuccio went out also to obey his mistress's commands; and as he passed along, he began to think of many things which might happen to him; particularly his being arrested by the officers of the Signoria with Scannadio's body on his back, and burnt for sacrilege, or else his falling under the resentment of the man's relations, if they should chance to know it; with more such apprehensions, enough to have deterred him from the enterprise. But again he said to himself, "What, and shall I say no to the first request of the lady I have loved, and do still love so much; especially as it is to gain her favour? Undoubtedly, were I sure to die in the attempt I would fulfil my promise." Full of that resolution, he went to the grave, and opened it. Alessandro, though he was very much frightened, lay still nevertheless; whilst Rinuccio, thinking that it was Scannadio's body, took him by the feet, drew him out, and hoisting him upon his shoulders, went on towards Francesca's house. But carrying him along without any great care, he would frequently hit him a great thump against the wall, first on one side, and then on the other: the night also was so dark, that he scarcely knew where he went; and being now got to her door, and she sitting with her maid at the window, expecting their coming and prepared to send them about their business, it happened that the officers were waiting there, to take a certain outlaw, when, hearing the noise of Rinuccio's steps, they uncovered a lantern, to see who it was, levelled their halberds, and cried out, "Who is there?" Rinuccio, upon this, without any great deliberation, threw his burden down, and ran away as fast as his legs would carry him. Alessandro, too, got up as speedily as he could, though the dead man's clothes were a good deal too long for him, and made off as well as the other. 

Now the lady saw plainly, by the officers' light, how Rinuccio had the other upon his back, with the dead man's shroud on, and was astonished at the resolution of both, laughing heartily, however, as soon as she saw Alessandro thrown down, and that each of them took to his heels. Highly amused by the adventure, and thankful for her deliverance, she returned into her chamber, declaring to her maid, that surely their love must be very great to fulfil such conditions. Rinuccio stayed at a distance, cursing his hard fortune, till the officers were gone, when he came groping about to find where he had thrown Alessandro down, desiring to complete his commission; but not meeting with him, and supposing that the officers had taken him away, he went home, vexed at his disappointment. Alessandro, also, not knowing what to do, and being ignorant who the person was that had carried him thither, went home with the like dissatisfaction. In the morning, Scannadio's vault being found open» and the body not to be seen, because Alessandro had rolled it to the bottom, the town was all in an uproar about it, many people believing that the devil had certainly carried him off. Nevertheless, both the lovers signified to the lady what they had done, and how they had been disappointed, excusing themselves thereby, for not having fully executed her commands, and still entreating her favour and love: whilst she, seeming to credit neither, cut them both short with an absolute denial, inasmuch as both had failed in the performance of the conditions required. 

[In an old English ballad a similar expedient is devised by a prioress, to get rid of her three lovers, a knight, a prelate, and a burgher. She promises her affections to the first, if he will lie all night in a chapel as a dead body, and wrapped in a winding-sheet. Next she requires the priest to say masses over the corpse, which she pretends is that of a cousin who had not been properly interred. She then tells the burgher to bring the body to her house, as the deceased owed her money, and must not be buried till his friends discharged the debt; and in order to terrify the priest, she desires that he should equip himself in disguise of the devil. The lovers all meet in the chapel, where both the knight and priest run off, so that the merchant has no corpse to bring home to his mistress. Hence the allotted service being accomplished by none of them, the lady refuses her love to all three. This tale is entitled the "Pryorys and her Three Wooyrs," and has been published in Jamieson's "Popular Ballads," from a MS. in the British Museum, attributed to Lydgate.]